I was so delirious at the hospital. I was excited and nervous and scared and happy and sad and a million different things. Looking back, I was kind of out of it. My labor started so late in the evening, so I did NOT have the benefit of a great night's sleep or anything. I basically had already been up lots of time and was ready for bed when it all started.
Sherry, my doula, tried to help me labor. At one point after being in labor for so long and not seeming to make progress, she thought maybe I could side step up and down the stairs outside. It was about 8am on July 8th, a sunny summer Thursday. There was no way I could walk outside into the normalness with the craziness going on inside of me. I was paranoid. I said I can't and she asked why. "Someone might see me?" I answered timidly haha. I really did feel really nervous about it. It all seems like so long ago. Especially since I've rearranged my furniture. The sofa is no longer where I sat and labored for so long, gripping the cushions and wondering how much more I could take.
My contractions were lasting a long time. They were mostly over 2 minutes long and up to 4 or 5 minutes. I had them all put into a calculator online, and meant to print it all out and save it, but I messed it up, so I don't have it. That's ok though.
Once Chlöe was born, I was very out of it and it was so surreal. I remember feeling so quiet and peaceful in some ways. I spent the first week or so alone for most of the day. My family ran errands for me and picked up things that we needed. Then they would come over in the evening and make dinner and spend time with the baby etc. Then once that was all done, they would leave us and Chlöe and I would stare at each other and she would nurse and sleep. Time moved really fast and slow all at the same time.
I didn't have most of my music in my laptop and didn't have my ipod for some reason. I felt really opposed to most of the music I had access to. I downloaded a few songs that seemed compelling to me at the time and played them over and over and over again.
Two of the songs were Nick Drake "From the Morning" and Dean and Britta "Moonshot". I must have played them a hundred times.
Here are the two songs if you'd like to hear them. I loved the words and music. My hormones were all over the place at that time. I was elated, but also pensive and completely sleep deprived. For weeks, when we rode in the car, if Chlöe cried, we could play Moonshot for her and she would calm down. She loves it. Even now at 8 months old, I was playing these for her and she was so calm and peaceful.
Everyone asked how I could handle being there alone without Chaos there in those first few days. The truth is that I would have loved him to be there. It would have been different and wonderful and special. If anything I was sorry that he wasn't there to experience it. I never felt left behind or abandoned. And truthfully, having Chlöe there with me, just the two of us, was really special. We were well taken care of by friends and family, and I was able to just hold her and get to know her. I can't describe what it was really like. People would say how it goes so fast and try to enjoy it even though you're tired etc. But I felt like I wasn't missing a thing. It was the best time of my life. All I can say is that everything was pretty much perfect.
Anyway, here are those songs I promised you.
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